Dan has another website that goes a bit more in depth about "everything Dan". It's also where you'll find his blog.
A Professional Writer offering you professional writing services
How to make your website fail.
By Dan Furman
Make sure you do the following:
Use big graphics that take a long time to load. You have broadband - certainly your customer does. And if they don't, you don't want to do business with people like that anyway, right?
Make sure you tell me right away how many years you've been in business, how you are family owned, and how much you care about the community. I came to your website for a warm, fuzzy feeling; not to have some problem solved.
Use unreadable fonts. Little unreadable fonts seem so professional. And after all, looking professional is important, right? Nevermind that lawyers routinely put "the fine print" IN 4pt fine print because they don't want anyone to read it. "May cause festering boils" is never in 8pt or above font.
The company founder came up with the slogan "if the cow isn't happy, the milk isn't good". We don't want to anger the boss, do we? Put his slogan all over the website. People want to read about milk while they shop for computer parts. No, really, they do.
On the same token, in every paragraph, Mr. Burple wants to see "Burple Industries" mentioned. Because Burple means quality. And milk.
Use "I", "me", "we", and "us" as often as possible. After all, it's our website, not yours.
Put a BIG flash cartoon on the first page. And lots of Java and rotating graphics. Trevor, the 26 y/o web designer says this stuff is "rad". Because your website isn't about selling product, it's about saying "wow, that's cool" as you look at it.
Make me log in or "join" before looking at your website. Put it right on the first page. Keep the riff-raff out.
Tell me all about the Vantrillington Dyno-Clutch and the Titanium Shavings used to make the Breakenrod Ram Bar, which offers unparalleled stability. Of course, don't tell me WHY I need that stability, or what benefit I get from it. Just knowing it's made from things I don't understand impresses me enough to buy it.
